This past year has been weird, to say the least. A day hasn't passed that I haven't thought about that baby...how old he/she should have been, how Reilly-Kate and Sam would have loved him/her, and if I'm being totally honest, how thankful I am because I get to sleep through the night.
Denial is a powerful thing. I was in such denial about what was happening with my body (I've been through drug-free labor twice...I know what it feels like) that I went through the full labor and delivery pretty much in the waiting room of the ER by myself. I didn't call Dave and tell him to come because I just KNEW everything was going to be OK. Everything was going to be OK with me and with the baby...it just had to be. Of course, it wasn't and I kinda think I'm just getting to "OK" now. The denial hung out for quite a bit longer than I care to admit. I just kept focusing on "everything happens for a reason" and "look at all the opportunities I've gotten that would not have been possible". Of course, I still believe both of those things but I also used them as excuses not to feel as sad as I needed to feel...as sad as I still feel.
I don't know how long the sadness will last. Maybe forever... It is comforting to know that so many other women know that sadness. More than I ever could have imagined. Discovering how often families lose babies makes my two perfect miracles even more miraculous. I am so thankful that I didn't come home from that night in the hospital to an empty house...I came home and got much-needed snuggles...the best medicine.
Though a year may have passed I still carry the same question I had that night. Why? I don't know if God will ever give me the answer but I have learned a lot about His love and His comforting. I now know what faith is. Faith, to me, is asking why and wanting an answer but not NEEDING an answer.*
*I wrote this post last week in anticipation of this day. Actually, the acticipation was worse than the actual day. We spent this past weekend in Disney World so Dave could run his 1st 1/2 marathon. The kids ran races and hubs ran a 5K and his 1/2...crazy, I know. But since he was running I got some time with the kids. That isn't so rare because they are with me everyday. The unique thing about this weekend was that I didn't have anything to do but be with them. I did whatever they wanted to do...we got to just be together. I can honestly say that I am nothing but thankful today. I didn't (and still don't) deserve the 2 gifts that have been given to me and I still don't know why I wasn't given another when I thought it was time but I'm good with it. I think the sadness will, of course, come again...at weird times probably but right now I'm sitting in the thankfulness.
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