My phone just went off to remind me that we have a Home Study in an hour. Like I needed a reminder. Like I've thought of anything else since we got the email last week that we need another visit. We were only supposed to have 2. We've had them. The last was in November and we were told we would be approved by Christmas. Well that passed with nothing. Then we got the email last week to set up this appointment.

By no stretch of the imagination have we been waiting a long time. We've discussed adoption for 13 years but we only just started down the road last April. Not to mention the fact that we have 2 kids already. I know many people that have waited years...and I feel terrible just mentioning it...but I'm frustrated.

I hate that we don't have a map. I hate that we don't know how long this road is going to take. I hate that I don't even know what to plan for...what will our family look like? and then, once we have a new kid/kids, how will that impact our family? Will I be in the middle of that wishing to be back here?

I'm trying to look at this time as a gift. Preparation. Trust. Patience. Not so good at all of those...

Should we move onto looking into private adoption? International? Honestly, we don't have the $$ saved that we should of if we were planning on that---another long road. God willing, I could always get pregnant again... Should we just abandon the whole adoption idea?

............

I know for sure without a shadow of a doubt, the answer to that last question is NO. We KNOW deep within our souls that God wants us to adopt.

And this is all part of the process.

Am I strong enough to walk this road?

I feel like there is a word that keeps popping up as we've been traveling...TRY. We have to try. There has been a whole world opened up to us as we have learned about the foster and adoption situation in GA. Lots of issues we had never thought about before. Sure we know we are called to do this within our little family but what about our extended family? What about our friends? Is it really fair to force them into a situation they most likely have no experience with and don't know how to react? People know how to handle you when you're pregnant....not so much when you tell them you are adopting. But over and over again I feel like God is telling us to try...we have to. I honestly feel like we don't have any other choice. There are children that need love and a home and we have that. We are just as much in the dark as our family and friends about what this will all look like---but we have to try.

TRY.

I feel like this post is the most soul-bearing I've done on here. Its really hard for me to push post...I just know that I greatly appreciate someone speaking the words that I am feeling sometimes. Even if its not specifically adoption-related, there are so many roads that are put before us that are so hard. and its not all rainbows and unicorns. I'm looking hard for the rainbows today...this may be one of the days of rain...cause we gotta have that before the pretty colors, right?