Danny

I was sitting in my office a week before Christmas.  For some reason Dave was there at work with me.  That rarely happens.  The kids were in school.  I was checking the voicemail like I did every morning.  All of a sudden I'm crying.  There was a message from her.

The new foster mom.  She called.  She wanted me to call her back.  I did.  We talked for a long time.  She sounded great.  And lovely.  And there was a big sister and he was happy and growing and she wanted him to be theirs.  Forever.  She texted us a picture...my heart.

God knew.  He knew he was safe.  He knew where He was taking him.  It was the best Christmas gift.  If we couldn't have him with us I wanted to know that he has happy.  And he was.

And is.  He's 10 months old.  His mom and I talked again last week.  DFCS is starting the official termination of the biological mom's rights.  Then they can start the adoption process.

He had surgery last week.  He actually sees lots of doctors.  He has lots of therapy appointments.  He is doing well but he needs a lot.  Every time I have talked to his mom she never complains.  I mean, of course she complains about the incompetence of DFCS and how frustrating it is and how foster parents have no rights and how she can't wait to adopt him so they can be done but she never complains about him.  About his health.  About the work that it takes for him to be happy and healthy.  She doesn't see it as something she should complain about.  This is her son.  She loves him.  She would do/will do anything for him.  Whatever it takes.

God knows.  I mean just logistically she lives near a larger city which makes access to doctors easier.  She has dealt with DFCS for 3+ years through the adoption of her daughter.  It doesn't make the roller coaster any easier but at least she has her seat belt buckled.  We went in with our full heart ready to welcome our child into our family.  Its hard to see straight when your heart is in the way...

For a long time, and still now really, I miss him.  Sometimes I think about what it would be like to have a baby boy in our house, too.  But that is what grieving is about.  A wise woman (also an adoptive mother) once told me that she believes God places children into our lives to be our "heart children".  For reasons unknown to us God doesn't place them with us in our everyday lives but he does bring them into our lives to remember and pray for and love.  That is what I do now.  Every time I feel sad about what "might have been" I hear the whispers that say, "God knows."

He knows why He brought him to us.  Why He took him away.  Our family still prays for him.  My kids still love him.  His mom has said she wants us to get together.  She wants to meet our kids.  She wants us to see him.  I think I'd like that...