9 days and counting...

9 days...

That's how long its been since I've been distracted.  Really distracted.

9 days and counting because it is still happening.

A little over a week ago I was at the store like normal working.  My phone was in my pocket so I didn't notice that it shook...The store phone rang.  It was Mandy.  She told me to check my email. By habit, I glanced at my phone as I was getting up.  The text was from Dave.  all it said "check your email!!!!!"

There it was.  A child needs a home.  A baby.  There was a name.  My heart was pounding...

So we emailed our caseworker and said we wanted more info.

That was 9 days ago.  I have been walking around with an elephant on my shoulders...totally distracted and overwhelmed...but every day goes on as normal.  There isn't anything to tell so we haven't shared...not with our kids or anyone.  Because, at this stage, it can go away as quickly as it came.

The waiting is so hard.  I feel like I'm in labor and I don't know how long its going to last.  The not knowing.

Is this the one?  Will this child become our 5th member of Team Davis?  Or is home somewhere else?  Is this just practice...

I honestly think that if our caseworker called right now and said that its done and its not us I would be OK.  Sure, I'd be sad but at least something would have been decided...something would be definite. If I've learned anything in this process its that the state does not move like I want it to.  Just because meetings are supposed to happen doesn't mean that they will...emergencies take over...things change.  Frustrating for me who doesn't like to wait...

I also like to be in control.  I didn't really know that.  I want to be updated every 15 minutes with "there is nothing new." I would really like to follow our caseworker around just in case something comes up...would that be weird? :)  Luckily, I get along very well with her and she knows I'm a little high maintenance...she has no idea how high maintenance I truly could be...

Everyone that has given us advice about this adoption process insists that we cannot be emotional about this decision.  We have to look at the facts and think about our family...our forever family.  Wow.  That just doesn't work for me.  This journey that started 13 years ago has always held so much emotion for me.  Just like my children do...I can't not be emotional.  They are part of me.  They are my heart.  Just like the new child/children will be...and I've always known that.  I love them already...even though I don't know their name(s).  Or do I?

Its so exciting to wake up every day and think that this could be the day...this could be when we find out that our little world is about to flip upside down...in the best way possible.  Its a little dis-heartening to realize that 5:00 is once again coming and the phone has not told me anything new...but this roller coaster will be worth it and is NOTHING compared to what children on this same journey to us are going through or have been through...

Its all about trust and letting go...my constant prayer is for peace.  And I'm asking God to teach me to let go.  I'm not good at that...I didn't know it would be so hard knowing names and little snippets of their situation.  The world they are living in.  There are children that need homes that actually exist and have an identity.  They are real and could become a Davis.

Will today be the day we hear SOMETHING?

*very blessed to have friends going through this same process...these words from Mandy helped me to share what has been on my heart, too.  Read her thoughts here....